THE FUSILLI JERRY Season 6, Episode # 19 Original Air Date: April 27, 1995

Cast: Jerry................................Jerry Seinfeld Elaine...............................Julia Louis-Dreyfus Kramer...............................Michael Richards George...............................Jason Alexander Guest Starring: Estelle..............................Estelle Harris Frank................................Jerry Stiller David................................Patrick Warburton Nancy................................Marla Sucharetza Dr. Cooperman........................Lou Cutell Clerk................................Yvette Cruise Security Guard.......................Jeff Coopwood Sally................................Judith Shelton Doctor...............................Apollo Dukakis

[Opening Scene: Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment building] Jerry: I hear you're going out with David Putty. Elaine: Yeah. What, is it a problem? Jerry: Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine. Elaine: Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a few years. Jerry: Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible. Elaine: Oh, god. Jerry: The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic. Elaine: Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is. Jerry: All righty. [At Monk's, George and Estelle are looking over their menus] George: Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays* the day. Estelle: So what if they have a lobster. Suddenly you're a shell-fish connoisseur. George: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take t.v. out of this relationship, it is *just* torture. Estelle: So, I'm getting an eye job. George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job. Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee. George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're---you're a separatee. Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George. George: No, you're not out there. Estelle: I am, too! George: You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence! Estelle: Well, anyway, the operation is on Tuesday and I need you to drive me home because I'll be all drugged up. George: Tuesday? I can't do it Tuesday. Steinbrenner needs me to run--- Estelle: This is the only time the doctor *has*. [Kramer walks by their table on his way out] George: Kramer, hey, hey! [Gets up out of his seat] Kramer: Hi, little buddy. George: Come on over and sit down. Kramer: Hey, listen, I gotta go somewhere. George: No, you're gonna sit down, you son of a gun... Kramer: All right, I'm sitting down. How are you? [Kisses Estelle on the cheek] Estelle: So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job. Kramer: Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're out there now. George: She's not out there! Kramer: So, who is your doctor? Estelle: Uh, Bakersoll. Kramer: [whistles]. He's good. He's *very* good. He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban. George: Hey, Kramer, what are you doing Tuesday? Kramer: Tuesday? Uh... George: Why doesn't *he* pick you up after the operation. He's got the car with the bench seats that you like. Estelle: Oh, I don't care. Kramer: Yeah, I know, but I can't drive anybody anywhere until I go down to the motor vehicle bureau and get my new plates. George: Well, giddy-up! [At the motor vehicle bureau...] Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer. Clerk: Kramer.... [checks computer] All right... Kramer: All righty... Clerk: Sign right here, please. [hands over clipboard] Kramer: [signs it] Okay. [The clerk hands him a manila envelope]. Thanks. [opens up the envelope] Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake. Clerk: What's your name again? Kramer: Cosmo Kramer. Clerk: [checks computer again] Cosmo Kramer. You *are* the Assman. Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman. Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are. [Failing to clear up the mistake, Kramer drives off with the new plates attached] [Meanwhile, we join Elaine and David---in bed, I should add. David, who apparently looks satisfied, is still breathless. Elaine, on the other hand, is looking somewhat, preoccupied] David: How do you feel? Elaine: Fine. David: Something the matter? Elaine: No. David: Then what is it? Elaine: No, nothing. [Later on, at Monk's, Jerry has just come in to meet Elaine. He joins her at the booth] Jerry: Hi. Elaine: I was with David *Putty* last night. Jerry: Yeah, so. Elaine: He did the move. Jerry: What move? Elaine: You know...*the* move. Jerry: Wait a second. *My* move? [Elaine nods]. Jerry: David Putty used *my* move? Elaine: Yes, yes. Jerry: Are you sure? Elaine: Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move. Jerry: I can't believe it. He *stole* my move. Elaine: What else did you tell [reaches over to slap Jerry] him. [does it again] The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat! Jerry: Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area. Elaine: Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs? Jerry: Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it. Elaine: Well, wait---wait a second. Jerry: What? Elaine: Isn't that a little...rash? Jerry: No! He stole my move! Elaine: Yeah, but...*I* like the move. Jerry: Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material. Elaine: Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*! Jerry: Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new. Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His whole *repertoire* could be lifted. Elaine: You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic. Jerry: I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York. [Later, Jerry and George are outside, where Jerry has just bought a candy bar at the newsstand] Jerry: ...so he stole my move and he's using it on Elaine. George: You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. [points to the candy bar] Gimme a bite. Jerry: Can I just get it opened first? George: I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo. Jerry: All right, all right. Here. [hands George a piece of the candy bar]. George: [takes a bite] Oh, that's good. That's very good. Jerry: You feel better? George: Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need *something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during love-making. Jerry: Nancy Klopper? George: Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All right, come on, let's have it. Jerry: All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure, before--- George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault. Jerry: It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a *conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used--- George: You're gonna tell me...or not. Jerry: All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a headboard. George: I got a headboard. Jerry: Is it padded? George: No. Jerry: Good. How tall is she? George: Five-foot four. Why? Jerry: You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights. Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck. George: I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this. Jerry: George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again. [Back at Jerry's apartment: Jerry and George have just walked in, still conversing on the same subject] Jerry: Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous. George: Is it a clockwise swirl? Jerry: I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone. [Kramer enters, holding an object of some kind]. Kramer: Here you go, buddy. [shows it to Jerry]. Jerry: What is it? Kramer: *Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone? Jerry: When did you do this? Kramer: In my spare time. [turns to George]. You know, I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual. Jerry: Oh... Why Fusilli? Kramer: Because *you're* silly. Get it? [hands the Fusilli to Jerry] Yeah... Jerry: Well, thank you very much. George: So, did you get your new plates? Kramer: Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their *vanity* plates. George: What do they say? Kramer: Assman. Jerry: Assman? Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman! Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"? George: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's. Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass. Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist. Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist. George: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car. Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. *Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one." [A phone rings in the distant] Kramer: Oh! There's my phone. [He leaves] George: So, where you gonna stick this [points to the Fusilli Jerry] Jerry: I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it. [We cut to the garage where David Putty is working on a car. Jerry walks in] Jerry: Hey, David. David: Oh, hi, Jerry. Jerry: Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move. David: What move? Jerry: What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine. David: You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending. Jerry: The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had *nothing*. David: Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist. Jerry: Swirl. David: Whatever. I don't even do it. Jerry: Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*. David: Yeah, that's right. Jerry: You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples? You're nothing but a hack. David: Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work. Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out of town...okay. But not in the city. David: All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take *that* out of town. Jerry: Fine. David: Good! [While driving, Jerry hits a pothole and his car is now making a clanking noise] [We join George and Nancy, who are....getting busy under the covers.] Nancy: Ow, George! [crawls out from beneath the covers] What are you doing? George: [pops his head out of the covers, looking a bit confused] Uh...you know, uh...pleasuring you. Nancy: Well, stop it! George: You don't like the move? Nancy: No. I don't. George: You're kidding. Nancy: No, I'm not. It feels like aliens poking at my body. George: Sorry. I'll just go back to my usual routine. [Back to Elaine and David in the middle of, uh...you know...] Elaine: Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes! David: No, I'm sorry. Elaine: What?!! David: I can't do the move. Elaine: What? David: Oh, he's ruined it for me. Elaine: Oh, oh, come on, please? David: No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore. Elaine: Oh, so---so that's it? David: I'll come up with some new stuff. [Cut to Kramer heading towards his car. He picks up a note on his windshield and reads it...] Kramer: "Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what you're looking for." [Pleased by the note, Kramer stumbles into his car]. [Meanwhile, Estelle is at Dr. Bakersoll's office] Dr. Bakersoll: I must caution you about one thing. You can't cry for at least ten day. You can ruin the operation. Estelle: Oh, okay. Dr. Bakersoll: Now, is someone coming to pick you up? Estelle: Yes, my son's friend should be here any minute. [In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors Only" space] Security Guard: Can I help you? Kramer: Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. [points to plate] Proctology. Security Guard: Oh, oh, okay. Sure... Kramer: Thanks. Have a good day. [Kramer is driving Estelle home] Kramer: I just can't get over how fantastic you look. Estelle: Oh, really? Kramer: Oh, yeah. This takes twenty years off. Estelle: And it was all done by laser. I don't even need bandages. [As a car passes Kramer, someone yells out, "Yo, Assman! Look at the Assman!" Kramer waves]. Estelle: Did he say "Assman"? Kramer: Oh, yeah. Estelle: Oh my goodness. [Another car passes: "Hey, the Assman's in town!"] Kramer: You got that straight! Estelle: Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference. [Kramer makes a sudden stop, and in a protective gesture, he sticks his arm out in front of Estelle.] [Back to Jerry's apartment] Jerry: You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the order. Did you close with the swirl? George: Supposed to close with the swirl? Jerry: Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression there. I told you to write it down. George: Yeah, yeah, should've written it down. [Bzzz. Jerry walks over to answer it] Jerry: Yeah? Buzzer: Elaine. Jerry: C'mon up. [turns to George] You know what? Do me a favor. Don't even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name. [The phone rings] Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? Twenty-eight hundred dollars?!! That's the estimate on my car?!! No, don't even do anything. I'm gonna think about it. Okay, bye. George: What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you. Jerry: Except that it's not Putty. George: What happened to Putty? Jerry: Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me. George: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on." [Elaine comes in looking a bit peeved] Jerry: Hey, Elaine. Elaine: Yeah, yeah, hello. Jerry: Is it something I said? Elaine: Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore. Jerry: Really? Elaine: Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing. Jerry: What is it? Elaine: Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-schmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*. Jerry: Huh. Elaine: I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of my time. And I...will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, when a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing! George: Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle involved in any way? Elaine: Yes. As a matter of fact, there is. George: I think that's mine. Elaine: I'm not surprised. Jerry: Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're gonna see him? Elaine: Why? Jerry: You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is trying to screw me. Elaine: An estimate? How am I supposed to do that? Jerry: Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. [hands Elaine the work order] Elaine: [takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the table] What? What is this? Jerry: That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry. Elaine: Fusilli Jerry? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer made it. George: All right, listen, I'll see you guys later. [As George is leaving, Kramer comes in with a female companion] Jerry: Hey, Assman! Kramer: Hey, well, this is Sally. Sally: Hello. Jerry: Hi. Elaine: Hi. Kramer: Shall we go? Sally: Okay. [turns around and walks out with an exaggerated swing of her hips] [Elaine, Jerry, and George make a face] [Back at the Costanzass house...] Estelle: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself. Frank: You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a dumbbell yesterday. I feel *vigorous*. Estelle: Just take your mail and go home. I have things to do. Frank: I got things to do, too. Estelle: Don't upset me! I can't cry! Frank: Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh? Estelle: Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me. Frank: Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy. Estelle: I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab. Frank: He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him! [Once again, we join Elaine and David...in bed as usual...doing what they do best] Elaine: Hey, let me ask you a question. David: Sure. Elaine: What do you charge for blown shocks? David: What? Elaine: Two, three hundred? David: I don't know. Maybe five hundred. Elaine: Ah. [They go back to kissing] Elaine: What about a bad gasket? David: Bad gasket? Elaine: Yeah. Like a terrible gasket. David: What is all this? Elaine: Nothing, nothing. I'm just taking an interest in what you...do. David: What kind of car is it? Elaine: Oh...any kind of---of a Swedish car. David: All together, that could run about sixteen hundred. Elaine: Oh. [Kiss again] Elaine: Is that with the parts and labor? David: Uh-huh. Elaine: Hmm. [Kiss...again] Elaine: Oh, no. No, David. No, please. Not the knuckle.... [Back to George and Nancy in bed. George is looking quite pleased with himself. Nancy, on the other hand, looks...bewildered...pleasantly surprised...] Nancy: Wow. That was...*great*. I mean...*wow*. George: It just came to me. Nancy: I---I've never in my life have---have I---. What was that? George: You mean in the end? Nancy: Uh-huh. George: A counter-clockwise swirl. [Spotting something on George's hand] Nancy: What's that? George: What? Nancy: On---on your hand? Let me see what's on your hand. George: Nothing. I don't know...just a little dirt. Nancy: Give me that. [grabs his hand] I wanna see what's on your hand. [They struggle for a bit, but Nancy finally gets a hold of his hand and tries to make out the scribble] Nancy: Number one. Take her leg.... Oh, my god! Crib notes? You've got crib notes?!! George: It's a very complicated move! I couldn't remember it all. Nancy: Oh, my god, you're sick. [gets out of bed] George: You know, it's not the S.A.T.s! [Cut to Frank on the streets. He spots Kramer's car. He looks inside the back window and sees the "Bro"---or is it the "Manssierre"? He checks out the plates] Frank: Assman? I'll get him, Assman! [Back to Jerry's apartment] Jerry: Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me off. Elaine: So what are you going to do? Jerry: Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this. Elaine: Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore? Jerry: Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex. [There's a knock at the door and Jerry goes over to answer it] Jerry: Hi, Mr. Constanza. What's uh...? Frank: Where's your friend Kramer? Jerry: I don't know. Why? Frank: Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short. Jerry: What do you mean? Frank: In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! [Demonstrates] Hmmph! I stopped short. Jerry: Really, stopping short. That's a good move. Frank: You're not kidding it's a good move! [Kramer walks in.] Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Kramer: Hey, Frank. Frank: Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with my wife! Kramer: C'mon, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about. [Frank backs Kramer into the table, knocking the Fusilli Jerry to the floor] Frank: You think I don't know, Assman?!! To think I almost split the profits on the Manssierre with you. Kramer: Bro. Frank: Manssierre! Kramer: Bro! Frank: Manssierre! You...! [Frank grabs Kramer by the collar and in doing so, he slips and falls right on top of the Fusilli Jerry] Frank: Aah!!! Jerry: Oh, my god! [Everyone gasps in horror, including George, who was just walking in at that very moment] [At the medical center, the gang is in the waiting room, waiting for the word on Frank's condition. Looks like they're still in shock] Jerry: If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. Elaine: Me either. George: They say this guy's the best. Jerry: He had to use cork-screw pasta. [At that thought, Jerry, George, and Elaine shift uncomfortably in their seats. Meanwhile, Kramer is checking out the pictures on the wall. He spots something...] Kramer: Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. [Jerry joins him] Kramer: The name on the boat. Look at it. Jerry: Assman! Kramer: Yeah [points towards the doctor's office], he's the Assman! Jerry, *he's* the Assman! [The doctor walks in] Doctor: Which one is the son? George: [stands up] I am. Doctor: Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't take long. And he's going to be fine. [Kramer stops Dr. Cooperman at the door.] Kramer: Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates? Dr. Cooperman: Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to straighten it out. Kramer: So...you're the Assman. [Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting] Frank: It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one. [Back at the Costanza's house, George and Frank are just walking in] Estelle: Where have you been?!! You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours! Frank: I fell on some Fusilli. Estelle: Fusilli? Frank: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist. Estelle: The proctologist? Are you okay? Frank: Yeah. Estelle: Oh, I was so worried. [grabs a couple of tissues from the box] George: Ma, don't cry! Estelle: Oh, I can't help it! George: Ma, your eyes! Estelle: Oh! [END]